My Struggle with Anxiety

I know things have been quiet over here on my end this week and I apologize. I've being going back and forth with myself about whether or not I want to post this, and maybe that is exactly why I should share it with you. So brace yourself everyone, things are about to get pretty personal.

Anxiety is something I struggle with every single day of my life. But it is definitely something most people don't even know about me. I am an ardent and determined person, yet sensitive and very nervous at times. I am a strange contradiction. To others I may appear confident, for I have strong opinions and views. But in reality I am more of an introspective and often even cynical character.

My anxiety can perhaps be linked to a few causes. For instance, both freedom and security are equally important to me; this is often a conflict in my life and can lead to some indecisiveness. As you know, I am always searching for truths, and instinctively knowing that there is not only one, I am often left frustrated and full of self doubt. I think my anxiety can also be linked to how I was raised. I have two very loving and supportive parents who taught that I could do and be anything I wanted. Which is great, as a child. It allows you to dream and to see the world in all it's beauty and humanity and want to dance in it;  to see the world in all it's nastiness and hate and want to change. But when society, the media, and even people around you tell you that you are not good enough and that you can't make a change it eats at you. I often feel inhibited. I wish I wasn't inhibited by the limitations and capacity of my mind. For I want to know everything. It’s overwhelming; knowing how much I don’t know, knowing how much I’ll never know.

And I don't know why I do this to myself. For the most part I don't know what causes my anxiety. I just get in these ruts, these huge ruts, that are so hard to climb out of. I just sit at the bottom, looking at how great the world is up above. I tell myself I’m not good enough. I tell myself that everything I do is a waste of time because it’s never going to get me anywhere. I tell myself that I’m not worth anyone’s time. That none of my friends really care. And then I let myself be alone. I tell myself that no one wants to spend time with me, but it’s all my fault. I let myself slip away. I just fall farther and farther down in my well. And I get lonely. And I sulk for days. And the littlest things make me cry. And then, I even have the decency to blame it on stupid things, like the weather, or how awful the world is, or how mean someone was to me this one time forever ago. Yes, that is what is making me so vulnerable in this moment. I allow myself to succumb to myself. To this monster inside myself.

img found here. I can not find the original source/artist for this. Please let me know if you know!

Everyday is different when you are living with anxiety. Some days I feel great and confident and ready to face anything that is thrown at me. I may have my reservations and nerves, but I'm not going to let it shake me! And I'm definitely not going to let anyone notice! Some days it’s just really hard to get out of bed. And no matter how hard I try, I just can’t really wake up. Even going out to the mail box seems impossible. And attempts to cheer myself up, like listening to happy songs, just makes my heart hurt. My social anxiety is the worst. I stress about seeing people or talking to people, no matter how nice and casual the conversation. It is irritating and frightening .

For those of you who don't suffer from some form of anxiety, a moment with anxiety may feel something like this:  I’m not numb, I’m the opposite (I've been numb before and I'm glad it's not that). I feel everything. I get so overwhelmed; my body shakes, my stomach turns, my vision blurs, my heart pounds as if wanting to escape. It creeps up on me. It happens everywhere and often; waiting in line at the coffee shop, walking the aisles of the library, riding in the car, laying in bed. I swear I can feel the weight of everyone around me. And if I’m alone, I can feel the weight of the billions of air particles. And it hurts. But I can't stop thinking about it because I don’t think this is normal, whatever this is. I worry about everything. I question everything. Should I? It can’t be ignored; I try. I think too much, too. About everything. Everything. I don’t even know everything. I don’t know anything. I don’t even make sense to myself. I wish I wasn't so shy. I wish I wasn't afraid. I wish I knew what I wanted. I wish I could tell people what they mean to me. I wish I could tell people how significant they are. I wish I was happy. I wish I slept normally. I wish was okay with myself, with who I'm trying to be.

I have come to the realization that I can never just ignore this and beat this. It keeps coming back and it always will. Things are good, and then they're not. I can't stay content. I hurt because I know that no matter what I do, it will never be enough. And maybe it sounds silly, but that’s what eats up at me everyday. There is so much wrong in the world; I can’t change that fact. I have been told that when I have these feelings, when I don't want to go on, it is important and probably the most human thing to do, to remind myself over and over that other people feel this way too.

img source

Most importantly I need to remind myself of this:

"The fact that you’re struggling doesn't make you a burden. It doesn't make you unlovable or undesirable or undeserving of care. It doesn't make you too much or too sensitive or too needy. It makes you human. Everyone struggles. Everyone has a difficult time coping, and at times, we all fall apart. During these times, we aren't always easy to be around — and that’s okay. No one is easy to be around one hundred percent of the time. Yes, you may sometimes be unpleasant or difficult. And yes, you may sometimes do or say things that make the people around you feel helpless or sad. But those things aren't all of who you are and they certainly don’t discount your worth as a human being. The truth is that you can be struggling and still be loved. You can be difficult and still be cared for. You can be less than perfect, and still be deserving of compassion and kindness." 

- Daniell Koepke

So what do I do? I keep fighting, I suppose, such is life. I have eyes, eyes that see this world and its problems and its filth. And I have a heart, a heart that beats and feels and hurts for everyone that hurts. And I have a mind, a mind that thinks and longs for understanding and learning and truth. Just know that I’m just trying. Because my eyes, they also see blurry. And my heart, sometimes it beats too fast and nervous. And my mind, my mind is a mess. Just know that I want meaning, I want my life to be real, and that I try to be considerate. I need to have more confidence that all my efforts will be worth it in the end. I just want you to know that I will never give up.

Tips and Things You Can Do To Be A Little Happier and Become Anxiety Free:

1. SLEEP REGULARLY: Go to bed early and wake up earlier. Doing so will allow you to get more sleep and having a set schedule will help with anxiety.
2. EAT WHOLE FOOD: Providing your body with whole, healthy food versus processed food will give it the nutrients it needs. An instant mood booster because you'll feel a lot better.
3. EXERCISE: Hello, endorphins. Exercising regularly also helps with keeping a routine and keeping anxiety at bay. Also, getting through tough workouts is a real confidence builder!
4. ORGANIZE: This is a necessity for me. Organization helps keep me on task and I feel much less anxious when things have order.
5. DRINK LOTS OF WATER: Your body will be happy for. You will be happy for it. I have water with me, always.
6. LISTEN TO MUSIC: Obviously. Music can affect your mood drastically so make sure you always are playing some good vibes.
7. READ: Let your mind and thoughts completely escape you for awhile. Dive into a completely different world. Your problems will still be there when you are done reading and I guarantee they won't seem so large anymore.
8. BE PRODUCTIVE OR GET CREATIVE: Spending time accomplishing things or getting creative or solving problems are all great ways to boost your confidence.
9. BE SILLY: It's hard to be sad or worrisome when dancing around the kitchen or playing with your pups on the floor.
10. GO FOR A WALK OR A CASUAL BIKE RIDE: It is a great way to relax and work things out in your head. The fresh air is an extra treat.
11. DON'T WAIT UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE: Speak up and do something if you want to do. You'll have a lot less to worry about if you just do it.
12. BE PRESENT: Engage with those around you. Build relationship that truly matter, they will be what saves you if you ever feel like you can't go on.

P.S. My anxiety is also a part of the reason I started Oh Whimsical Me. To prove to myself that I could and that I was good enough. Now you know you'll just have to excuse me on occasion for a few days whenever I misplace my confidence.

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DIY Dishwasher Magnet

I have a very simple DIY for you today. Because something was bothering me. Yea problem solving!

I tend to be the one to unload the dishwasher, being as I am the person who is home the most. Which is fine. But every so often there will be a time when I don't know if the dishwasher was ever started. You know, you open the dishwasher up, it's stuffed, and maybe the dishes are clean? But you decide to go for it and put them away and half way through one is really grimy and stinky and you realize they weren't clean. And then you have to remember which were the ones you just put away so you can actually wash them and and and...

I made a magnet! Because our lovely dishwasher's "clean" light is always on. And I just like to know, you know? See how I made this simple magnet for the dishwasher, that tells you whether to load dishes or unload dishes, below:

How to make a dishwasher indicator magnet:

1. What you'll need: Mod Podge, a paint brush, scissors, adhesive magnetic strips, scrapbook paper, a printed image/text to indicate if the dishes are dirty or clean -- I've included the chalkboard inspired image I made below for you to print and use. 
2. Cut out your image, leaving a small border if preferred.
3. Adhere the cut image to the scrapbook paper with a thin layer of Mod Podge or glue. Allow to dry. Once dry and in place, apply a very thin layer of Mod Podge over the top of your image. 
4. Again, allow the Mod Podge to dry completely. The layers of Mod Podge may cause the paper to curl or warp slightly. Set under something heavy, like a stack of books, for an hour or longer to flatten. If your adhesive magnets are on a roll, they may be curved as well, and can be flattened also.
5. Once flattened, cut to desired size.
6. Attach adhesive magnets on to the back, and it is ready to place on your dishwasher.

*If you have the means to laminate your magnet, I would recommend doing so. I do not, so Mod Podge will work for now.

Feel free to use the following image (500 x 313 px):

^just right click and save^

Now, of course, here's to hoping the magnet actually gets flipped as it should.

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Revolt Check-In: End of Week One

Well hello, lovelies! I wanted to stop in really quick and share with you how my time with Revolt has been so far.

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It has only been a week and I am already very impressed with this program. I'm not going to lie, the detox this week was a little hard to get through. And not because it wasn't good, I liked the food, but because I got bored. I was eating the same thing every day, and after just 2 days I was really wanting some variety. But I powered through it and I'm glad I did. I think my results say a lot. I'm not use to seeing results so quickly from working out, and I was definitely a skeptic about the whole thing. When I weighed in this morning and took my measurements (had to get that in before my "cheat" day today!) I was feeling a little crummy and bloated, but I was shocked that I had lost 5 pounds and an inch or so from various spots on my body. I think a lot of this is thanks to the detox, and I'm sure most of that was water weight.

I am loving the workouts. When I first signed on for Revolt I was a little nervous about the workouts. I knew they were tailored to work into people's schedules, and as a result, only 20-30 minutes long on average. But people were getting great results from them. So I figured the workouts must be just super crazy intense. And not that they aren't, but I never feel like I can't get through a workout. And I love the way they are structured. I always feel so great and strong and accomplished when I finish one. And really sweaty. Obviously. 

As you know, I'm mostly just trying to get a healthier lifestyle out of this. And to really tone up. The weight loss/inches lost is just an added advantage. I'm so excited to see where Revolt takes me. But for now, I'm going to enjoy the rest of my "cheat" day and get outside a little bit more! Will and I went downtown to Bardenay's for lunch and sat out on the patio. I had the black bean sweet potato chimichanga, he had the salmon filet sandwich. A perfect cheat meal.

^I just got Instagram! Follow me here^

I hope you are having a lovely weekend.

P.S. I was so excited for my free food day today, but I could barely eat half of that chimichanga, and now my belly hurts. Such is life.

Disclaimer: I was chosen as a Revolt Fitness Program blogger and received free membership to try the fitness program. All results are real and my own. All opinions expressed are my own.

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Lately in Pin-land

sunglasses / artichokes / mug / braid / kitchen / overalls / galette / garden

I'm inspired lately by blues and greens and summertime things. I'm feeling extra creative lately. I want to do things with my hands. I want to start my garden and watch things come to life. And spend time in the water. Or in a cool, airy kitchen. A girl can dream, right? I'll probably be sporting a braid of some kind all summer thanks to my long, thick, dark hair. I'd love a pair of overalls, too. Oh, boy those take me back. Let's all start wearing overalls again, okay?

Also, cheesy vegetables forever always (I'm getting pretty tired of this detox).

Are we pin-pals? You can follow me here to see what I'm getting inspired by.

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DIY Statement Floral Headpiece

As promised, I am back sharing the other floral headpiece I made using the pretty blooms I picked up. Sorry it's a little later than expected (things have been busy around here!). And yes, I took these in my bathroom. It has really good lighting, okay? You can judge me.

I mentioned that I made the delicate floral crown for a photo shoot with my sister. I loved that crown, but I was still tempted to do something with the larger yellow blooms I didn't end up using. This statement piece is what I came up with. I loved how this headpiece turned out. It's glamorous but bohemian, and quite a statement piece. Wouldn't this make an even lovelier addition to a photo shoot? I think so. It is so bold; Wear it proudly! As always, it is pretty easy to make. See how I created this piece below.

How to Make a Floral Crown:

1. What you'll need: fake flowers in the color(s) of your choosing - for a real statement piece select larger, bolder, brighter blooms (the more the merrier!); lace ribbon; floral wire (optional); any other desired accents; scissors, hot glue gun and glue sticks
2. Begin by peeling apart your bunch of fake flowers. To make things easy, select the longest of the stems to use as your base. They are full of wires, but nicely covered meaning it will be a flexible, sturdy, and thick base, allowing you to add blooms however you like. I used this approach in the first floral crown I made. If your flower bunch doesn't have a long stem, use floral wire to create a base. I selected 6 wires and weaved the end of the strands together. Use your head as a guide and bend your base into a round shape that will sit comfortably. Leaving length on both sides, wrap lace ribbon around the base of the crown. Hot glue securely in place a few times as you do so the ribbon won't slip. This will provide padding for the ends of the wires that will sit by your ears.  Leaving length on both sides will allow you to secure it to your head if needed.
3. Space out the wires to make your base as wide as wanted. Don't worry about the space between the wires, the flowers will be secure enough when hot glued together. 
4. Start by adding big leaves and greens to the base, positioning where ever looks best. Try turning the headpiece upside down to secure the wires to the backsides of various pieces of greenery.
5. Remove individual flowers from the bunch and hot glue them onto the base, positioning however looks best. Be sure to layer them a bit, if they are large flowers like mine, to add dimension. Put more flowers in the center of the headpiece to add body and shape, tapering off toward the sides. Be sure to trim the stems as you go, you don't want it to be poking into your head. Continue in this fashion all the way around the crown. Add as little or as many blooms as you'd like. 
6. Do one last trim of stems and spot check, filling in areas more where necessary. Clean up all those fly-away strands of hot glue too to make it look neat. You're done!

I told you that was easy :) 

Don't forget to check out the tutorial for a delicate floral crown I posted earlier.

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May Wishlist

one / two / three / four / five / six / seven

The warm weather has quickly come upon us here in Boise. It already has my thinking of (and slightly dreading) summer. So instead of focusing on the heat, I'm brainstorming all the fun things to do outside now that the weather is nice. I am craving adventure constantly. Will and I love canoeing, and being near the water in general. It would be so so lovely to have our own. They are just a little pricey, even the cheap ones, like this one. Whether or not we get our own canoe, I'm sure we'll spend a lot of time this summer down by and on the water. I'd love a larger pack, too, for backpacking trips in the sawtooths. I also really need to get some new workout gear. Mine is a little outdated and sparse, and it is just not keeping up with my new workout routine :) I listed a few other hopefuls above that are to die for. I'm loving the scalloped trend that is going around. It's so cute and feminine. And I've wanted a pair of Saltwater Sandals, for, like, ever. I may just buy some this year.

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Updating

Hello lovelies. This blog is undergoing some minor updates again today. I know, when will it stop, right?

Please excuse any hiccups that occur. And thank you!

P.s. Check back later for another floral crown DIY!

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